How to remember what someone tells you on a dating app

To remember details about someone you’re dating, jot down the little things they mention soon after you talk: names, plans, likes and what they’re looking forward to. Write it after the chat or date, never during, and keep it somewhere private. Before you next talk, read it back and ask a follow-up question.

Why do the little details matter?

Remembering shows you were listening. In a set of studies by Harvard researchers, people who asked more follow-up questions were better liked by the people they spoke with, because they came across as more responsive (Harvard Kennedy School). The same research found that people don’t expect asking questions to have that effect. A good follow-up question needs a detail to build on, and that detail has to come from somewhere.

The Gottman Institute, which studies couples, calls this building a love map. In its model, knowing the little things about a partner’s life is the base that friendship and intimacy are built on (The Gottman Institute). Their work is with long-term couples, and the habit can start on a first date.

Most people like being remembered. When a man posted on r/dating_advice that the woman he was seeing kept a note about him, with his coffee order, his sister’s name and a food he hates, most commenters called it thoughtful (r/dating_advice). In r/AskWomen, commenters said they would prefer someone remembered things about them, even if it took a note on their phone (r/AskWomen).

What should you write down?

The little things. These are the details people mention once, and light up when you bring them back.

• People. Their sister, their best friend, their flatmate, their kids.
• Pets. Names count.
• Work. What they do, and how they feel about it this week.
• Plans. A trip, a gig, an exam, a birthday, a job interview. Add the date.
• Likes. Food, music, books, a café they love, a place they want to visit.
• Dislikes. Coriander, early mornings, horror films.
• Stories. The thing they told you with a grin, like the time they got lost in Tokyo.
• Next question. One thing to ask next time.

Some things are better left out. Commenters in r/AskWomen drew the line at sexual details (r/AskWomen). Leave out ratings and comparisons with other people too. A useful test: would you be comfortable if they saw it? If the answer is no, don’t write it.

Here’s a note Mia wrote after her second date with Jordan:

• Jordan, physio, works in the Valley
• Younger sister Tess is getting married in March
• Can’t stand olives
• Learning to surf, lessons on Sunday mornings
• Ask next: how the first surf lesson went

Five lines. On Monday, Mia’s message writes itself.

When should you write it down?

After, never during. Notes taken in the middle of a date read badly. In an r/FemaleDatingStrategy thread, a woman described a date who took notes about her while they talked, and most commenters saw it as a red flag (r/FemaleDatingStrategy).

The good moments to write are:

1. Straight after a chat, before you close the app.
2. On the way home from a date, or the next morning. One Redditor writes a bullet list in their Notes app the day after a good first date, so they know what to follow up on (r/dating_advice).
3. Before the next date, when you read it back while you get ready.

Two minutes is plenty. You’re capturing the facts, so there’s no need for a diary entry.

How do you use what you remember?

Use one detail at a time. Ask about the plan they mentioned, once the date has passed. “How was the surf lesson?” lands well. Reciting their whole note back to them doesn’t.

Let them tell the story again if they want to. People enjoy retelling the good bits.

If you’re unsure, check: “Was it your sister who’s getting married, or your cousin?” Asking shows care. Guessing wrong can sting, and mixing up two people stings most. If that happens, our guide to calling a match the wrong name can help.

Tips if you have ADHD or a busy brain

CHADD, the US ADHD organisation, calls forgetfulness and memory trouble a hallmark of adult ADHD. It suggests calendar apps with alerts, and notebooks or journals, to take some of the load (CHADD). Plenty of ADHD and autistic daters on Reddit say they keep notes on people for this exact reason (r/dating_advice, r/dating_advice).

These tips keep it light:

1. Use one place only. One app, one note per person. Searching three places is how things get lost.
2. Talk first, tidy later. Record a voice note on the walk home, then type the three best facts when you’re on the couch.
3. Stop at three facts. Three is enough to start a good conversation. Perfect notes are optional.
4. Put their plans in your calendar. “Ask Jordan about the surf lesson” on Monday morning, with an alert.
5. Open messages when you can reply. One r/ADHD commenter suggested only opening a message when you have time to answer it, so it doesn’t slip away (r/ADHD).
6. Make a pre-date routine. Read the note while you do your hair or wait for the train. Same time, every time.
7. Forgive the gaps. If you forget, ask again. Nobody expects a perfect memory.

If cards suit you better than notes, the free Who am I talking to? board gives you one card per person in your browser, with nothing uploaded.

Keep it private and kind

Your notes are for you. In an r/dating_advice thread about keeping a diary of the people you date, the most common advice was to keep it to yourself (r/dating_advice).

• Lock it. On iPhone you can lock a note with your passcode and open it with Face ID (Apple Support).
• Keep it about them. What they shared, in plain words.
• Let it go. When things end, delete the note.

For the wider debate, read is it weird to keep notes on dates? For a ready-made set of columns, try the free dating spreadsheet template.

Where Fond fits

Fond is an iPhone app that helps you remember the little things they tell you, with less typing. Screenshot the chat and share it to Fond, or pick it inside the app. Fond reads it on your iPhone, works out who said what, and adds their likes, dislikes, work, family, pets, plans and things to ask next time to a private note. Each fact links back to the screenshot it came from. If they mention plans, Fond can remind you, if you allow notifications. The AI runs on the phone, so we never see your chats. Get Fond on the App Store.